Greetings, readers - apologies for the tangential (personal) post - which is also a bit belated as my son and I recover from a nasty cold. I felt it was important to share this milestone. And don’t worry - I’m not planning to make a living on Substack!
via Unsplash
A few months ago, I felt a nudge from God. I can’t remember experiencing that before.
As background, I am (was?) a lawyer at a prestigious “BigLaw” firm. I really like my colleagues, but the hours are truly grueling - including staying up until 3 AM for multiple nights in one week to close a deal while seven months pregnant.
I had my son, went on a long maternity leave, and returned to work part-time.
It didn’t feel right. I could feel God asking me to trust Him, to take a step away from my job. Maybe not forever, but for now.
But I couldn’t! My husband makes a good income, but not enough for us to live on (unless we downsize, which is now a real possibility). I had worked so hard to end up where I was. And if I wasn’t a lawyer anymore, who was I?
When I was twenty weeks pregnant with our first, our provider told us after our anatomy scan that our son had a cyst on his brain. She told us that it was almost certainly nothing, but we were terrified.
We had to wait a full, agonizing four weeks for the follow-up scan. As my husband and I clasped hands in the waiting room anticipating the results, I realized briefly that everything in my life that I thought was important leading up to that moment meant nothing. My faith, my marriage, my child - only those mattered.
Our son was fine, thank God, but I will never forget that day. It’s easy to be swept up in the hustle and bustle of life, but the essence of what life is remains.
It took me some time to gather the courage to leave my job. Like many young women, I was groomed for life to be a career success. My parents scrimped my entire life to send me to prep school, then to a prestigious college. I then took out student loans to finance an education at an even more prestigious (so-called “T14”) law school.
I clerked. I interviewed at the white-shoe firm. I became an associate.
Then I became a mother.
This was not supposed to change much. I was supposed to stay in my job for years as I had planned, maybe eventually exit to work for a client or to take an of-counsel position. I was supposed to make money and keep up with our mortgage and send our children to private school and faithfully maximize my 401(k).
Instead, everything changed.
I couldn’t bear all of the time away from my son. I couldn’t bear the ping of emails interrupting our time together. I couldn’t bear the thought of transitioning back to full-time work - not now, maybe not ever.
I almost didn’t have the strength, three months after returning to work, to pick up the phone and tell the supervising partner at my office that I was resigning. Many people we know thought this was a mistake. We don’t know how we’ll make our money stretch going forward.
I explained all of this to a priest during my last confession.
“I want to trust God,” I explained, after confiding that I felt the Lord was telling me to take time at home. “But…” my voice wobbled, “I just can’t. I don’t.”
The priest told me, more or less, “It’s okay if you feel like you can’t trust God. What’s important is that you do what He tells you.”
So I did, and I am.
Onto a new adventure.
Good luck on your newest adventure! Motherhood is certainly the most important career one can have, although I can imagine leaving a career you have invested so much into is a challenging decision. I wish you the best and my prayers are with you and your family. 🙏♥️
I understand this journey so well. I actually ended up leaving my job right before I got pregnant with my daughter. It didn't make much sense -- I was doing so well at work. I had just been promoted. I was being featured in local magazines, someone wanted me to write a book, I was talking on panels. But I felt this OVERWHELMING nudge from God -- it was more of a push really! And so I left. I didn't become pregnant as soon as I hoped so I was extra confused that first year, leaving a job, but just *waiting* -- well, that's when I started Born of Wonder, when I started writing again, when I traveled with friends and cemented friendships that have seen me through various ups and downs. And when my daughter came along, I was so very, very ready for her. God then brought me back to working professionally in various ways as time went on, even coworking with some former colleagues, and it just all would have never happened if I hadn't done the crazy, makes-no-sense initial quitting. Sometimes we just have to ACT like we Trust God, even when we don't. But He won't lead you astray. Good luck in this big transition!!