I'm so sorry for your loss. Big hugs. I'll offer my stresses of the day for you today.
We haven't had any losses, but we had secondary infertility after my daughter and there's a five year gap between my daughter and my son, who is a miracle. At his 20 week ultrasound they told me he might be at higher risk for Down Syndrome and I had to go on for more scans "so I could evaluate my options." I said, "I waited for so long for this baby and prayed for this baby and love this baby so much, if he has Down Syndrome, he has Down Syndrome, he will be so loved either way." (He needed some time in the NICU, but he did not have Down Syndrome. I'm so glad I lost zero sleep over the doctors "being concerned.")
In my years of trying and waiting (which I'm in again), it's so so hard to want something objectively good and for God to say, No or Not yet. I have to know that God has a beautiful plan for my life, even if my cross is different than the one I think I'd choose. And some of my friends have the other cross of many babies in such quick succession. We probably both have days we think we'd rather trade with each other. I try to avoid resentment by knowing myself and my heart; in this season, I can't volunteer with my friends who do sidewalk counseling outside of planned parenthood. I can go and pray there, but I can't talk to a woman going in, I wouldn't be able to have that conversation in love and charity, because I want her baby.
My sister also experienced infertility for years. When she got married, she prayed that her husband would become Catholic before they had kids. Then they had years of infertility. This past year, after a big injury and lots of time to think about if life has dignity even if you can't be useful, my brother-in-law decided to become Catholic. When he was in OCIA, they got pregnant. I tear up just thinking about it. It's an actual miracle.
Oh my gosh, what a beautiful story about your sister, and thank you so much <3
You are so right about the different crosses, too. For you and me, it's tough when you really want to be open to life and welcome a lot of kids, but I also have friends who have welcomed a lot of babies VERY close together and it absolutely is its own cross! Thank you so much for your kindness, I appreciate it so much!
I'm so sorry, Kelly. I know that pain and it's awful. I've had this conversation with some friends recently in light of things that happen in our lives, and sometimes the things that happen to our children -- that "open to life" is really a lot less about a big family photo, and much more so a raw, openness to having (inevitably) your heart broken, because nothing can break your heart like the love you have for your children. We never know what we're opening ourselves up to -- a healthy child, a child with disabilities, a child we will have a difficult relationship with, a child who we won't meet in this life, and so many other possibilities we can't fathom. It's all hard - but it's All Good, too. Good literature helps!! And Seinfeld, and gallows humor, too :)
Can I be a real Swiftie and recommend "bigger than the whole sky?" Maybe silly, but a good song can real really help sometimes.
Oh my gosh, yes! Bigger Than the Whole Sky is perfect. I actually gasped when I heard it for the first time. Down Bad feels sadly applicable, too.
What you said is so beautiful, Katie, and exactly what I was trying to articulate. We think being open to life means one thing, but it's so much more complicated than that.
I like your point about openness being raw and vulnerable and having your heart broken, not a big family picture. The older I get, the more I realize this is true. We’ve been blessed with eight living children and five losses, some not early or somewhat traumatic (I suppose they all are, but some more than others, in my experience). And as kids get older and move into different and more complicated stages, the heartbreak grows. It’s incredible joy and heartbreak both here in time and in our fallen world. Someday we will live where all things are made new.
Praying for you during this time of loss <3 I am glad you find yourself able to cope with a little bit of humor in spite of the darkness. I found dark humor a welcome recourse after our molar pregnancy last year.
I haven't read Anne's House of Dreams in over 10 years, I think, but that particular episode is...truly engraved in my brain. The congratulations card that comes ill-timed from her dear friend (was it Phil?) who didn't know the baby had died. Leslie asking her to bury Joyce in the baptism dress she made by hand. Susan commenting how most babies are red or yellow but Joyce was so, so white...which of course, was presumably a symptom of her flickering mortality. Truly a moving episode, so much more powerful when one has experienced motherhood of any kind.
Yes, you're exactly right - the letter from Phil! When I read it this most recent time I could feel the ache, mother to mother, weighing down each of those words. I know LM Montgomery lost a baby at birth and it's just unimaginable.
Thank you so much for your prayers. I will be praying for your family as well <3
Prayers for you and your family, Kelly, especially to and through the Sacred Heart. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, they were beautifully interwoven!
I'm so sorry for your losses, Kelly. I'm encouraged to hear of your faith which trusts God even in such heartbreak, God truly does know what we need and loves us enough to provide it. Even when He knows it will cause grief. I believe there truly is a crucible in female fertility, and each of us experiences it differently. It's good for us to hear of the blessings and trials our sisters undergo, because we have far more in common than meets the eye. Openness to life truly does mean openness to death -- both the spiritual death to self and the physical death, both of baby and mother. We are not sufficient for these things, but God is. You are blessed to have your friends, and I'm so thankful to hear you've been loved and supported. Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece with us. Saying a prayer for you tonight.
Thank you so much, Leah. I read a note of yours when I was still pregnant about this exact topic - you were discussing how leaving our fertility open to God requires us to be open to every possible outcome. It brought me so much peace, then and now! Thank you so much for your prayers.
I'm so sorry for your loss, Kelly. Thank you for sharing this and for offering both the grief and the hope. We had our first loss this year, and it is so hard. I am with you, feeling the pain and holding on to trust and faith, and still laughing at memes.
Hannah, I'm so sorry you've felt this pain, too. But I'm so glad you're also feeling hope right now. It's been a gift to understand my friends who have been through loss in new ways and to let myself be vulnerable, even though it's hard!
I'm so sorry for your loss. I really appreciate your whole post and the strength it took to articulate this during a time of grief. You're right, to be open to life means to be open to loss, and that can be so difficult at times.
I've come to really appreciate your substack (and I fully relate to you starting a Dostoevsky appreciation blog as a stay-at-home mom! If that makes us weird, so be it because I would have fully done the same thing!)
Thank you for sharing this insightful piece with us all 💗
Kelly, I'm so very sorry for your loss and yet also so grateful for your willingness to share your story. I'm glad you have friends in books, in real life, and on the internet (these comments are bringing tears to my eyes, too!), to surround you with love and prayers. Know of mine as well. <3
My best friend in college loved the AoGG books and movies (series?). I haven’t read or seen them! Which seems insane, but just something I missed I guess! I did read my girls an abridged version of the first book.
The order our priests come from (Pro Ecclesia Sancta) have a special devotion to the Sacred Heart of Jesus❤️
Beautiful piece Kelly. I’m so sorry for your loss and will pray for you!
I'm so sorry for your losses. May you know His comfort.
This was a really moving piece. Thank you for sharing this with us. The line your priest shared with you is so poignant "“God knows what you need to be holy.” I will also try to take it to heart. It makes me think of the St. Francis de Sales quote about each of our crosses being perfectly measured and loving entrusted to us. Take care!
Thank you sharing your story. I read all of the books in the series many years ago as a tween, they were among my childhood favourites. Obviously I wasn’t mature enough to understand Anne’s loss, but it stayed with me, thanks to LM Montgomery’s writing.
We lost a baby last year at 16 weeks. I've been married for 11 years, and I have three kids-- I really thought we'd have more, but both my husband and I feel like the children we have might be all the Lord sends us. I'm still very much processing that.
Thank you so much for sharing that, Emily - I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Hearing about others’ experiences has been so helpful to me, and makes everything feel lighter <3
Thank you for this, from a Catholic lady open to life who tragically ended up with no children at all...and also about to start rereading Anne of Green Gables for the first time as an adult!
I'm so sorry for your loss. Big hugs. I'll offer my stresses of the day for you today.
We haven't had any losses, but we had secondary infertility after my daughter and there's a five year gap between my daughter and my son, who is a miracle. At his 20 week ultrasound they told me he might be at higher risk for Down Syndrome and I had to go on for more scans "so I could evaluate my options." I said, "I waited for so long for this baby and prayed for this baby and love this baby so much, if he has Down Syndrome, he has Down Syndrome, he will be so loved either way." (He needed some time in the NICU, but he did not have Down Syndrome. I'm so glad I lost zero sleep over the doctors "being concerned.")
In my years of trying and waiting (which I'm in again), it's so so hard to want something objectively good and for God to say, No or Not yet. I have to know that God has a beautiful plan for my life, even if my cross is different than the one I think I'd choose. And some of my friends have the other cross of many babies in such quick succession. We probably both have days we think we'd rather trade with each other. I try to avoid resentment by knowing myself and my heart; in this season, I can't volunteer with my friends who do sidewalk counseling outside of planned parenthood. I can go and pray there, but I can't talk to a woman going in, I wouldn't be able to have that conversation in love and charity, because I want her baby.
My sister also experienced infertility for years. When she got married, she prayed that her husband would become Catholic before they had kids. Then they had years of infertility. This past year, after a big injury and lots of time to think about if life has dignity even if you can't be useful, my brother-in-law decided to become Catholic. When he was in OCIA, they got pregnant. I tear up just thinking about it. It's an actual miracle.
Praying for you in this Anne-like season of loss.
Oh my gosh, what a beautiful story about your sister, and thank you so much <3
You are so right about the different crosses, too. For you and me, it's tough when you really want to be open to life and welcome a lot of kids, but I also have friends who have welcomed a lot of babies VERY close together and it absolutely is its own cross! Thank you so much for your kindness, I appreciate it so much!
I'm so sorry, Kelly. I know that pain and it's awful. I've had this conversation with some friends recently in light of things that happen in our lives, and sometimes the things that happen to our children -- that "open to life" is really a lot less about a big family photo, and much more so a raw, openness to having (inevitably) your heart broken, because nothing can break your heart like the love you have for your children. We never know what we're opening ourselves up to -- a healthy child, a child with disabilities, a child we will have a difficult relationship with, a child who we won't meet in this life, and so many other possibilities we can't fathom. It's all hard - but it's All Good, too. Good literature helps!! And Seinfeld, and gallows humor, too :)
Can I be a real Swiftie and recommend "bigger than the whole sky?" Maybe silly, but a good song can real really help sometimes.
Oh my gosh, yes! Bigger Than the Whole Sky is perfect. I actually gasped when I heard it for the first time. Down Bad feels sadly applicable, too.
What you said is so beautiful, Katie, and exactly what I was trying to articulate. We think being open to life means one thing, but it's so much more complicated than that.
I like your point about openness being raw and vulnerable and having your heart broken, not a big family picture. The older I get, the more I realize this is true. We’ve been blessed with eight living children and five losses, some not early or somewhat traumatic (I suppose they all are, but some more than others, in my experience). And as kids get older and move into different and more complicated stages, the heartbreak grows. It’s incredible joy and heartbreak both here in time and in our fallen world. Someday we will live where all things are made new.
Praying for you during this time of loss <3 I am glad you find yourself able to cope with a little bit of humor in spite of the darkness. I found dark humor a welcome recourse after our molar pregnancy last year.
I haven't read Anne's House of Dreams in over 10 years, I think, but that particular episode is...truly engraved in my brain. The congratulations card that comes ill-timed from her dear friend (was it Phil?) who didn't know the baby had died. Leslie asking her to bury Joyce in the baptism dress she made by hand. Susan commenting how most babies are red or yellow but Joyce was so, so white...which of course, was presumably a symptom of her flickering mortality. Truly a moving episode, so much more powerful when one has experienced motherhood of any kind.
Yes, you're exactly right - the letter from Phil! When I read it this most recent time I could feel the ache, mother to mother, weighing down each of those words. I know LM Montgomery lost a baby at birth and it's just unimaginable.
Thank you so much for your prayers. I will be praying for your family as well <3
Prayers for you and your family, Kelly, especially to and through the Sacred Heart. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, they were beautifully interwoven!
Thank you so much, Meredith! Prayers for your family as well!
Oh thank you for sharing. Your heart. Connecting it to Him. How hard. I understand the loss of your little one in a way. Praying for you.
I'm so sorry for your losses, Kelly. I'm encouraged to hear of your faith which trusts God even in such heartbreak, God truly does know what we need and loves us enough to provide it. Even when He knows it will cause grief. I believe there truly is a crucible in female fertility, and each of us experiences it differently. It's good for us to hear of the blessings and trials our sisters undergo, because we have far more in common than meets the eye. Openness to life truly does mean openness to death -- both the spiritual death to self and the physical death, both of baby and mother. We are not sufficient for these things, but God is. You are blessed to have your friends, and I'm so thankful to hear you've been loved and supported. Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece with us. Saying a prayer for you tonight.
Thank you so much, Leah. I read a note of yours when I was still pregnant about this exact topic - you were discussing how leaving our fertility open to God requires us to be open to every possible outcome. It brought me so much peace, then and now! Thank you so much for your prayers.
I'm so sorry for your loss, Kelly. Thank you for sharing this and for offering both the grief and the hope. We had our first loss this year, and it is so hard. I am with you, feeling the pain and holding on to trust and faith, and still laughing at memes.
Hannah, I'm so sorry you've felt this pain, too. But I'm so glad you're also feeling hope right now. It's been a gift to understand my friends who have been through loss in new ways and to let myself be vulnerable, even though it's hard!
I'm so sorry for your loss. I really appreciate your whole post and the strength it took to articulate this during a time of grief. You're right, to be open to life means to be open to loss, and that can be so difficult at times.
I've come to really appreciate your substack (and I fully relate to you starting a Dostoevsky appreciation blog as a stay-at-home mom! If that makes us weird, so be it because I would have fully done the same thing!)
Thank you for sharing this insightful piece with us all 💗
Thank you so much, Dani! I love your writing, so that means a lot.
Kelly, I'm so very sorry for your loss and yet also so grateful for your willingness to share your story. I'm glad you have friends in books, in real life, and on the internet (these comments are bringing tears to my eyes, too!), to surround you with love and prayers. Know of mine as well. <3
Thank you so much for your kind words Catherine, I appreciate them so much <3
I had tears in my eyes as I read this, Kelly! Praying that you continue to find healing.
Thank you so much, Jamie <3
My best friend in college loved the AoGG books and movies (series?). I haven’t read or seen them! Which seems insane, but just something I missed I guess! I did read my girls an abridged version of the first book.
The order our priests come from (Pro Ecclesia Sancta) have a special devotion to the Sacred Heart of Jesus❤️
Beautiful piece Kelly. I’m so sorry for your loss and will pray for you!
Thank you so much, Amber - I really appreciate it <3
I'm so sorry for your losses. May you know His comfort.
This was a really moving piece. Thank you for sharing this with us. The line your priest shared with you is so poignant "“God knows what you need to be holy.” I will also try to take it to heart. It makes me think of the St. Francis de Sales quote about each of our crosses being perfectly measured and loving entrusted to us. Take care!
Thank you so much <3
Thank you sharing your story. I read all of the books in the series many years ago as a tween, they were among my childhood favourites. Obviously I wasn’t mature enough to understand Anne’s loss, but it stayed with me, thanks to LM Montgomery’s writing.
Thank you for this. May Jesus continue to bless you with His peace and comfort as you mourn and wait.
Thank you so much!
We lost a baby last year at 16 weeks. I've been married for 11 years, and I have three kids-- I really thought we'd have more, but both my husband and I feel like the children we have might be all the Lord sends us. I'm still very much processing that.
A lot of this resonated. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing that, Emily - I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Hearing about others’ experiences has been so helpful to me, and makes everything feel lighter <3
Thank you for this, from a Catholic lady open to life who tragically ended up with no children at all...and also about to start rereading Anne of Green Gables for the first time as an adult!
Thank you so much for reading <3