Beautiful reflection! Levin is my favorite character in Anna Karenina, which is my favorite book. At times, reading the thoughts of Anna or Levin, I'd wonder how Tolstoy could see into my head! And then how he could write my own thoughts better than I could articulate, before I was born! These characters are so human. Their flaws and failings are so human.
I'm sorry for your losses. We experienced secondary infertility for five years after our first child was born. It's so so hard to want what you know is good and to give that frustrated desire to God over and over. Even if you're even keeled and close to God in prayer, there will be moments of comparison that pop up.
During this infertility, I couldn't be involved in my friend's prolife sidewalk counseling ministry outside Planned Parenthood (though I did go and pray with them occasionally); I just couldn't talk to and counsel abortion-minded women, willing the good for them and for their babies, when I wanted a baby so much and would have wanted them to give me their baby. I found other ministries in which to serve (Catechesis of the Good Shepherd, hosting weekly open invite dinners), I just knew my flawed and broken self too well to put myself regularly in a "temptation to compare and resent and grow bitter and unkind" situation.
My second baby is a miracle from the Lord and this reminds me to see both my children as gifts (vs "deserved" rights). By year five of infertility (in a Catholic community of many big families), I was so fed up with people giving me St. Gerard prayer cards that I had some choice words for St. Gerard and was tempted to kick people in the shins when I saw a St. Gerard prayer card coming. We cried with joy when we finally saw a positive pregnancy test. That day? It turned out to be the feast day of St. Gerard. So, I've apologized to the good saint. God's timing is not our timing.
No matter if I am able to have more children or not (I certainly pray so!), I can wonder with Levin at the end of the book, that God is God. God is real. There's great peace in accepting this. (Which has to be accepted every day or we forget! It's so easy to think we're in control of our lives. Visiting Jesus in Adoration each week helps me with this.)
Wow, what a wonderful comment - thank you! It's always so helpful to hear from other moms who have gone through something similar. The possibility of secondary infertility and further losses has crossed my mind more and more as my son gets closer to his first birthday, but I try not to dwell on it - we'll see how that goes in the coming year. It can be especially hard as Catholics where the more common (and also perfectly understandable!) struggle is becoming pregnant almost TOO easily, haha!
I really want to start opening our home more and offering dinners as you did. It's hard for me because I'm not naturally outgoing, but I've promised myself I'm going to make a strong effort.
This article is our encouragement to others to experiment in hosting dinners! I hosted when we were both working and had a baby and I served ramen noodles or oven pizza in a pretty messy and very skinny duplex.
I think the couple who met at our dinners in those early years and are now married with two children are glad we didn't wait until "circumstances were more favorable" to host!
Beautiful reflection! Levin is my favorite character in Anna Karenina, which is my favorite book. At times, reading the thoughts of Anna or Levin, I'd wonder how Tolstoy could see into my head! And then how he could write my own thoughts better than I could articulate, before I was born! These characters are so human. Their flaws and failings are so human.
I'm sorry for your losses. We experienced secondary infertility for five years after our first child was born. It's so so hard to want what you know is good and to give that frustrated desire to God over and over. Even if you're even keeled and close to God in prayer, there will be moments of comparison that pop up.
During this infertility, I couldn't be involved in my friend's prolife sidewalk counseling ministry outside Planned Parenthood (though I did go and pray with them occasionally); I just couldn't talk to and counsel abortion-minded women, willing the good for them and for their babies, when I wanted a baby so much and would have wanted them to give me their baby. I found other ministries in which to serve (Catechesis of the Good Shepherd, hosting weekly open invite dinners), I just knew my flawed and broken self too well to put myself regularly in a "temptation to compare and resent and grow bitter and unkind" situation.
My second baby is a miracle from the Lord and this reminds me to see both my children as gifts (vs "deserved" rights). By year five of infertility (in a Catholic community of many big families), I was so fed up with people giving me St. Gerard prayer cards that I had some choice words for St. Gerard and was tempted to kick people in the shins when I saw a St. Gerard prayer card coming. We cried with joy when we finally saw a positive pregnancy test. That day? It turned out to be the feast day of St. Gerard. So, I've apologized to the good saint. God's timing is not our timing.
No matter if I am able to have more children or not (I certainly pray so!), I can wonder with Levin at the end of the book, that God is God. God is real. There's great peace in accepting this. (Which has to be accepted every day or we forget! It's so easy to think we're in control of our lives. Visiting Jesus in Adoration each week helps me with this.)
Thanks for sharing!
Wow, what a wonderful comment - thank you! It's always so helpful to hear from other moms who have gone through something similar. The possibility of secondary infertility and further losses has crossed my mind more and more as my son gets closer to his first birthday, but I try not to dwell on it - we'll see how that goes in the coming year. It can be especially hard as Catholics where the more common (and also perfectly understandable!) struggle is becoming pregnant almost TOO easily, haha!
I really want to start opening our home more and offering dinners as you did. It's hard for me because I'm not naturally outgoing, but I've promised myself I'm going to make a strong effort.
This article is our encouragement to others to experiment in hosting dinners! I hosted when we were both working and had a baby and I served ramen noodles or oven pizza in a pretty messy and very skinny duplex.
I think the couple who met at our dinners in those early years and are now married with two children are glad we didn't wait until "circumstances were more favorable" to host!
Have you read War & Peace?
https://faithandwitness.org/2024/07/16/how-about-dinner/
Yes!! I should write about War & Peace soon…I’m even more partial to it than Anna Karenina in some ways!
Natasha's "take out the furniture, put in the wounded" is my motto for my home.